TotoI’m not the one that’s supposed to be feeling this way. I’m not the one that’s supposed to be hurting this way or this much. There were times when I resented him, when I secretly wished that he was gone so that we could live our own lives – lives free of burden and responsibility. Lives where we didn’t have to make sure we were home by 7 PM because he needed to be walked, lives without the constant stress of worrying whether he was comfortable wherever he was. I wanted to live my life. I wanted us to live our lives.
Only now that he’s gone do I realize that that was my life, and what we’re left with here doesn’t feel like “life” to me. In a few hours I will walk through my front door and up those first steps and nobody will be at the top of those steps waiting. Normally I would have that feeling of excitement of seeing him there with his tail wagging, happy to see us. Tonight, I won’t. And I won’t begrudgingly leash him up and take him on his nightly walk. I won’t stop at each street corner and praise him when he doesn’t walk ahead but stops just behind me. I won’t clean him, feed him, or drag him to catch up with other walkers just so he could make new friends.
The constant care and attention that he demanded from us became our life. He was our life. What will happen the moment I don’t see him at the top of the stairs? What will I feel? I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen then and the moments thereafter. For the first time in a long time, my daily routine has changed dramatically, leaving me wondering what it’ll be like without him. Unfortunately, only time can answer those questions.
But it truly pains me to think of my life without him. Even though this was the life I secretly wanted, I shamefully admit that I was wrong in wanting it. I want to walk him and change his pee pad again. I want to take care and worry about him again. I want to walk up those stairs and see him dodge away from my petting hand so he could smell and lick Amy’s. I want to walk into our bedroom and see him sitting on top of the t-shirt I just threw on the bed. I want him to lick my entire leg starting from my big toe and ending at my knee. I want to speak Chinese to him again and make him “lay down” before I give him his treat. I want to hear his nails scratch against our laminate floors every time he walked down the hall. I want him to sit on the couch behind me, listening to me sing and play the guitar. I want him to sleep in between us in our bed every night. Most importantly, I want to be a family of three again.
I miss that life. I miss my life. And I miss him.
***
Toto,
Even though you were a little white fluff ball with three dots for a face, you managed to take up the most space on our couch, on our bed, and most importantly, in our hearts. I’ll miss you, buddy…always.
Pierre
posted by pierre 6:53 PM
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