TotoI’m not the one that’s supposed to be feeling this way. I’m not the one that’s supposed to be hurting this way or this much. There were times when I resented him, when I secretly wished that he was gone so that we could live our own lives – lives free of burden and responsibility. Lives where we didn’t have to make sure we were home by 7 PM because he needed to be walked, lives without the constant stress of worrying whether he was comfortable wherever he was. I wanted to live my life. I wanted us to live our lives.
Only now that he’s gone do I realize that that was my life, and what we’re left with here doesn’t feel like “life” to me. In a few hours I will walk through my front door and up those first steps and nobody will be at the top of those steps waiting. Normally I would have that feeling of excitement of seeing him there with his tail wagging, happy to see us. Tonight, I won’t. And I won’t begrudgingly leash him up and take him on his nightly walk. I won’t stop at each street corner and praise him when he doesn’t walk ahead but stops just behind me. I won’t clean him, feed him, or drag him to catch up with other walkers just so he could make new friends.
The constant care and attention that he demanded from us became our life. He was our life. What will happen the moment I don’t see him at the top of the stairs? What will I feel? I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen then and the moments thereafter. For the first time in a long time, my daily routine has changed dramatically, leaving me wondering what it’ll be like without him. Unfortunately, only time can answer those questions.
But it truly pains me to think of my life without him. Even though this was the life I secretly wanted, I shamefully admit that I was wrong in wanting it. I want to walk him and change his pee pad again. I want to take care and worry about him again. I want to walk up those stairs and see him dodge away from my petting hand so he could smell and lick Amy’s. I want to walk into our bedroom and see him sitting on top of the t-shirt I just threw on the bed. I want him to lick my entire leg starting from my big toe and ending at my knee. I want to speak Chinese to him again and make him “lay down” before I give him his treat. I want to hear his nails scratch against our laminate floors every time he walked down the hall. I want him to sit on the couch behind me, listening to me sing and play the guitar. I want him to sleep in between us in our bed every night. Most importantly, I want to be a family of three again.
I miss that life. I miss my life. And I miss him.
***
Toto,
Even though you were a little white fluff ball with three dots for a face, you managed to take up the most space on our couch, on our bed, and most importantly, in our hearts. I’ll miss you, buddy…always.
Pierre
posted by pierre 6:53 PM
LearningBefore jacking up the front of your car, always place two pieces of wood behind each rear wheel as stoppers. Just in case. Before installing the new brake pads, start the car and put it into drive. As the rotor turns, use a file and sand paper to clean off the accumulated brake dust and rust on the rotor. Garages never do this for you. After you tighten the wheel's lug nuts by hand, lower that side of the car just until it touches the ground. Tighten the lug nuts again using your full weight against the friction of the tire on the ground. Then lower the car completely.***After changing the brakes on Amy's Civic, my dad and I washed up and sat together in the kitchen where I ate countless meals as a kid. Only this time, I'm not staring at the Huckstables on the 13 inch Sony or in a rush to watch the Knicks on the 27 inch Sony we had downstairs.We talked about his day helping my brother with his home renovations, about how he takes care of his two granddaughters everyday. We talked about how on his quest to get his bachelor's degree over 35 years ago, he left my mother and my then 3 and 4 year old brothers in the States to go to the Philippines for 11 months. We talked about my ongoing search to buy a house. After that, we talked about the new book he bought, "American Caesar", a book that documents the rise and fall of General Douglas MacArthur. He went on a 20 minute rant about MacArthur's prowess as a military general and his influence on Asian and US military history, finally relating MacArthur's downfall to Obama's recent firing of General McCrystal. Then we talked about the new iPhone's antenna issues.***I'm 28, soon to be 29, married, I have a stable career, and pay my own bills...and I'm still learning from my dad. It's not that my dad, at 67, has unlocked the truths about life (and changing a car's brake pads) in the two years since I moved out and is only now willing to share it with me. He's been teaching me how to change brake pads and lecturing me about his experiences as an immigrant to this country since as long as I can remember. Unfortunately it's only now, since starting a life separate from his, that I'm wise enough to finally pay attention.You really do learn something new everyday. I just never thought that I at 28, I'd still have a lot to learn from my dad.Disclaimor: This entry is in no way serves as a "how to" to change brake pads on a Honda Civic. If your brake pads need changing, please see your local dealer to have them replaced. So please, don't try this at home.
posted by pierre 3:01 PM
I walked into the guest bedroom and reached underneath the bed. I pulled out the red duffel bag which had what I was looking for - my snowboarding pants. On my way down the stairs to my front door I grabbed my North Face jacket. I leave my Timberland boots loosely laced up for easy slip-on access during the winter. I headed out into the storm to shovel the snow.Our dog, Toto, is 15 years young. Actually, he's 15 years old and slowly loosing control of his bladder. He pees on our carpet and we clean it up. He pees on our laminate floors and we clean it up. He single-handedly goes through a roll of Bounty in 3 days during his "bad weeks".I carved out a path in the snow to our car door. Amy shouldn't have trouble pulling out of her spot tomorrow. I took a break and jumped backwards into a small snow bank. I did jumping jacks while laying there on my back. That was my first snow angel and workout of 2010. I got up and made a few snowballs. The first one I threw got broken up by a tree branch. The second one I threw didn't. It hit our living room window. Amy popped her head through the curtains and told me to come inside.We bought a new carpet from Target for our living room. It's nice, and big, and colorful so when Toto pees on it, we can't tell. He peed on it. We couldn't tell until Amy stepped on it. We cleaned it up.That was our night of 2/10/2010.
posted by pierre 12:11 AM
If the world is flat......can someone please tilt the world to the right so that all my friends that live in California tumble through the Midwest and end up back where they belong in New York/East Coast?
posted by pierre 12:05 PM
We're Not Friends Until We're Facebook FriendsIt's been almost 9 years since the first social networking site took the adolescent online teen community by storm. If I remember correctly, it all started with....
AsianAvenue.com - Oh yes...the green "A". This is for the Asians, of course. Millions of Asians signed up and created their own webpage in hopes of getting enough hits to get a free AsianAvenue hat! Those mix CD's they gave out with Asian American artists were pretty damn good, by the way.
Xanga.com - The anti-blogger.com that proved that we all had a voice and wanted the world to hear it. Although not really a social-networking website, you could subscribe to peoples' "xangas" and give each other eProps all day long!!
Friendster.com - I have more friends than you! No webpage, barely any content...just see how many friends you can get. I have 202 friends and you have 156? I win.
Myspace.com - So if you're around my age (26) and not an online predator, you've probably only heard of this website. I believe this site is for the younger generation. For us mature adults, there's...
Facebook - King and ruler of all social-networking websites right now. If we're not friends on Facebook, we're not really friends. Jenny changed her relationship status to single? Oh no. John just slapped you with a trout? Throw a giraffe at him! Did I mention this site is for us mature adults? Pokes, Scramble, Events, Zombie fighting....you name it, Facebook has it. Ya got time? Facebook will help you waste it too!
Thanks to the internet, it's getting easier and easier to keep in touch with friends that have drifted away over the years. But does the number of screen names on your buddy list truly indicative of how many friendships you have? Or should we value the quality of our friendships over the quantity of them? Regardless, these websites are becoming more and more influential in how we maintain our relationships in today's wired society and we have to adjust our behavior accordingly. For example: Amy and I didn't update our relationship status when we got engaged until we called as many people we knew and spoke to them directly. We knew people would get offended (Sorry to those that didn't receive a call from us).
The moral of this blog entry is...stop slapping me with a trout, or baking me a cupcake, or Obama'ing me on Facebook. Whatever happened to the good old single Poke that was so much more personal?!
Side note - Britney Spears has been on the top of Top 40 radio for 10 years now. TEN YEARS! That means high schoolers today are listening the same pop princess that I was listening to when I was in high school! The only artists from back then that could say the same thing are Christina Aguilera, Mariah maybe, Jay-Z, and JT (if you count *N Sync). There's probably more that I can't think of but wow...Britney. Crazy.
I just made myself feel old.
posted by pierre 2:48 PM
Cover Those TexbooksIt's back again, and so am I. That cool, crisp autumn air is back and every year is makes me feel nostalgic. I probably blogged about this already but what the heck, let's do it again.
"Pierre, what does this weather remind you of?"
Funny you should ask because it reminds me of a lot of things. It reminds me of elementary school. It reminds me of school supply lists that always included the following: elmer's glue (or stick), scotch tape, crayons, loose leaf binders, dividers, and 3-hole punchers. And what would elementary school be without the weekly use of pipe cleaners during Art, or being told at the beginning of each year to cover your textbooks. Ah yes, the covering of the textbooks. Some people bought their covers from Genovese that had an Ivy League school for each cover. Other parents got creative and recycled their supermarket paper bags and turned them into textbook covers (my dad did this). And for the uber cool - Contact Paper. That clear plastic that worked so well at protecting the textbook without the look of it being covered. This weather also reminds me of the 15 minute walk home from school, kicking the fallen leaves as I went.
This weather signifies change. It signifies the change from summer to fall. It's a new school year with a new teacher and maybe even a new classmate. A lot has changed since the last time I blogged. So I thought what better time to end my summer vacation and write a new entry about all that has changed in the past few months.
New Job
5 months ago I finally left my job of 4 + years and started anew. Still doing I.T but for a hedge fund this time. Great people, great company, and most importantly, I get to use that lump that's 3 ft above my ass.
New Wife
Ok so technically she's not "new" since I never had one before but....I'm married! Engaged on Valentine's day and six months later I'm marred to the wonderful and lovely Amy. So no more counting the years that we've been dating. That counter has been reset to 2 months and 7 days of marriage. Wow. As for the wedding itself - it was only the greatest day of our lives.
New Apartment
Amy and I now live in a beautiful apartment in Bayside, Queens. It's the second floor of a 2 family house, 3 bedrooms, and a little pateo perfect for grilling. We couldn't have asked for a better apartment. We love it!
Well there you have it. Three life-changing events in the span of 6 months. As the weather is changing, so is my life. It's good to be back and I can't wait to see what life has in store for me!
posted by pierre 3:23 PM
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